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How The Grinch Hacked Christmas!

A modern telling of the classic ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas!’

By Dr. Seuss (with all due respect)

Every Woo

Down in Woo-ville

Liked Christmas a lot…

But the Grinch

Who lived just North of Woo-ville

Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas!

The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why.

No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

 But,

Whatever the reason,

His heart or his shoes,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Woos,

Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown

At the warm lights of computers in their homes.

For he knew every Woo in every house in between 

Was busy now, busy with some kind of screen.

"And they're ordering gifts online!" he snarled with a sneer.

"It'll soon be Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For, all the while, he knew...

…Everyone in the Woo houses

Would be quite busy with their wired or wireless mouses!

Oh, the clicks! Oh, the clicks! Clicks! Clicks! Clicks!

That's one thing he hated! The Clicks! Clicks! Clicks! Clicks!

Then the Woos, young and old, would grab their mobile phones.

And they'd text! And they'd text!

And they'd TEXT! TEXT! TEXT! TEXT!

They would start with one word or two, and get to a small book.

This, the Grinch couldn't stand!

He couldn't even take a look!

And THEN

They'd do something he liked least of all!

Every Woo down in Woo-ville, the tall and the small,

Would flip open their iPads and tap on their apps.

They'd spend hours with snowflake wallpapers and holiday games,

and check for the Best Buys on Google maps!

Their brothers, mothers and sisters would be happy, this wasn't hard,

to receive an Amazon gift certificate and a funny e-card.

So they'd swipe and they'd pinch! Pinch and swipe!

They'd PINCH! SWIPE! SWIPE! PINCH!

Half the day would go by swiping and pinching. It was a cinch!

And the more the Grinch thought of this electric Woo fest

The more the Grinch thought, "I must put this whole thing to rest! "Why since Steve Jobs came along I've put up with it now! I MUST stop their digital Christmas!

...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

An awful idea!

THE GRINCH

GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch Laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled, and clucked as he donned his red lid!

"I'll wear this coat and hat as I bring down the grid!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."

The Grinch looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Grinch...?

No! The Grinch simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread

And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN

He grabbed a large magnet

And a some wire cutters

Put them in a ramshakle sleigh

And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"

And the sleigh, which was rather large

Careened down to where the Woos

Had plugged in for the night to get re-charged.

It should have been dark but there was a pulsing sleep light.

Oh and a camera's battery box had a steady green glow.

The oscillating screensavers were really quite a sight.

In fact, the whole place was bright enough for plants to grow!

"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy Claus hissed.

And he checked the house's wiring and switches.

He didn't bother with the chimney. It was a rather tight place. He strapped on his Grinch tools. And donned rubber gloves, just in case.

He had to cut the electric power, he mulled and he mused.

"Forget the stockings," he said, "I will remove the fuse!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a most unpleasant smile, Around the whole room, and he deleted everyone's files! Whole folders! Hard disks! Backups and thumbdrives! Apps! Preferences! Passwords! and Bookmarks!

He deleted them now in the dark.

Then the Grinch, very nimbly, zeroed out the disks, leaving them quite stark.

Then he slinked around to every Woo's devices and did unspeakable things! He removed their decorative blings!

Their bumpers and backs were off with a fling.

No more rhinestones or dangles, leather cases or strings.

Why, that Grinch even took their Angry Birds wings!

Then he stuffed all the gadgets into his sleigh, his toothy smirk really quite sour.

"And NOW!" proclaimed the Grinch, "I will cut the power!"

So the Grinch grabbed his cutters, and he started toward the main

When he heard a small sound like the patter of rain.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Woo!

Little Suzie Loo Woo, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this little Woo daughter

Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,

"Why are you taking our iPhones and iPads, our iMacs and Apple TV? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,

"There's a software update you need," in a tone rather snide.

"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

"I'll do a patch it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head

And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.

And when Suzie Loo Woo went to bed with her drink,

He snipped the broadband line and dropped every link!

Then the last thing he did

Was to cut the main power.

He went outside and gazed at the main feed.

And he made sure no juice would get in, no matter the need.

The one speck of power that anyone could tell

That he left in the house

Was a smidgen of charge left in a small triple A cell.

Then

He did the same thing

To the other Woos' houses

Leaving no thingamoabobs and no power.

He grinned as the final hour of night fell

He knew, for the Woos at least,

things would not be at all well.

It was quarter past dawn...

All the Woos, still a-bed

All the Woos, still a-snooze

He packed his sleigh with their contraptions!

He had so much it was tough to grapple.

Full of everything Android and Apple!

He had it packed alright!

The latest versions, black, silver and white! 

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,

He rode to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-pooh to the Woos!" he took the mickey.

"They're having a Christmas without their doohickeys!

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

"The all the Woos down in Woo-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,

"That I simply must hear!"

So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Woo-ville!

The Grinch popped his eyes!

Then he shook!

What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Woo down in Woo-ville, the tall and the small,

Was singing! Without any iTunes at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from being fun!

All were smiling, every one!

On Christmas morning they were looking at each other, not at some thing.

They didn't need a whatchamacallit to make them sing!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?

They can enjoy themselves without 200 channels or instant downloads!

Without wifi or Blu-Ray players with 40 different modes?

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from an app store.

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?

Well...in Woo-ville they say

That the Grinch's small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He joined the Woos in the Christmas morning light!

And with one on each side he joined hands after removing his rubber gloves,

…THEN HE HIMSELF...!

Sang songs with the Woos about the true meaning of Christmas - love!

Original Classic by By Dr. Seuss

A humble re-telling by Michael McComb

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I have always felt that Apple hardware and software didn't always behave according to the defined laws of mechanical or electromagnetic physics. Sometimes, truth be told, Apple stuff acts more biological. Fans of the brand often will tell you they have a "human" relationship with their devices. There's a reason for that. Over the years, my Macs have thrown temper tantrums, dug their rubber-footed heels in, and sometimes just got downright petulant. But they also got over it. And for the most part, they are charming and compassionate little things that you love and make you feel loved. OK, weird, but true.

So it came as no surprise, really, when I dropped my iPhone and discovered it didn't work properly - and had to do some funky fixes to coax it back to 'good behavior'. After the unfortunate incident, the lock button on top didn't work, and the phone speaker didn't work, so I couldn't hear or be heard while using the phone normally. After quick search for remedies, I found others had run across the same issues. For the lock button, I had to plug in a USB power cable - but not one attached to a computer, it needed to be attached to a power convertor. Plugged in and removed and presto, lock button worked again. And the phone speaker, well, this took a bit more time. I read that some people had some success in plugging/unplugging their headphones 7-8 times, and it worked. But it didn't with mine. Then in some remote support group post I found that the headphones had to be an original Apple set...and mine was an aftermarket set. I found the original white earbuds, plugged/unplugged 7 times (not 8) and Bob was indeed my uncle. I apologized to it for being so careless and dropping it. Hopefully it will forgive me.

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This new design by Frank Gehry, built by Swire Properties, looks OK perched up on the rarified heights above Victoria Harbour in Hong Kong. But it'll likely fetch re-freakin-donkulos rents...like oh, say, US$700,000 to $800,000 PER YEAR....or more. If you have that kind of money why rent, and if you're a key banking executive and your company is paying for you...well, you are indeed a master of the universe. 

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